Meet The Degenerates

Meet the Degenerates:


 Alex Burns aka "Burns"



Alex Burns is a tenacious fantasy owner. As one of the two Big Dick Playas, he is known for his savy waiver wire moves and his Big Dick. One helps in a fantasy a little more than the other. But both are worth noting and always remembering. He is still searching for his first title with his co-schlong William "mean grilling machine" Strouse. But after a strong showing in 2012, I believe they may soon capture their first title and hang the trophies off their gigantic dangling members for all to marvel.

 Adam Kubiskey aka "The Commish"

Adam Kubiskey is a wild man. He is known for long benders at the casino as well as bottomless bottles of straight Jack Daniels as seen in the picture to the left. Don't try and cross this Commish as he will bring down the swift fist of justice down on your ass. He has kept this band of Degenerates in line for several years now and shows no signs of stopping. Even after George's numerous PED scandals in 2011 and Jamie's many DUI's late at night in 2010 heading home from The Spearmint Rhino, he has shrugged off harsh criticism from the media and stayed focused.

It is said that Roger Goodell has asked Adam on many occassions for advice on how to handle troubled individuals like Jamie and George for his own league, maybe you have heard of it, the NFL.

On the lighter side... We all greatly enjoy his legendary weekly write ups and general communciation every year in the league. I am sure I am not alone when I say thank you Commish, and we look forward to many more glorius years together in The Degen League.

 Agostino (AJ) Cufone aka Darkness aka Mowgli aka BEST IN THE WORLD



AJ is a complex man. He is a man of many layers. Much like an onion as you peel away the layers you begin to cry more and more as you learn about him. As seen in the picture on the left he can be quite polite at times. However he is anything but polite in the Fantasy World. He is a ruthless killer who would sooner kill you than allow you to beat him in the field of battle. We have lost many good players to that fact (this use to be a 24 team league, now only 12 remain).

Nevertheless he has never been convicted of these crimes and as a result Kubiskey has been unable to get rid of him. So he remains, lurking, planning, plotting, seething, searching for his first championship. Should he ever get it may god have mercy on all our souls. The amount of WOOO'ing and chest slapping that would occur to those unfortunate enough to cross his path would be deadly. Hell he may go on a coast to coast WOOO'ing Chest Slapping spree that would affect millions. Let us pray that never happens. Ladies and gentlemen, the BEST IN THE WORLD, Agostino Cufone.

 William (Bill) Strouse aka The man's man aka Mean grilling machine aka Casual Steelers Fan

The second Dick of the BIG DICK PLAYAS. Not to say that this man's fallace doesn't require him to book two seats when traveling on a commercial airline. He is the second dick only because I am writing these bios and I prefer to speak about myself first and then others after. Just want to make sure no one took the fact that he is being referred to as Second Dick as a comment on his lack of size in the man region.

Now that we have that out of the way let's get down to brass tacs. The man knows football. His battles with George on naming draft classes have been revered for generations. He lives for a well executed zone blitz.

I have long believed that he goes to bed nightly with the following 4 step pre bed routine:

1. Brushing his teeth with his limited edition $450 commemorative Steelers toothbrush

2. Taking a piss into his $2300 Ravens Urinal, which he regualrly changes the face inside the actual bowl to match the most hated Raven that given year (this year I believe it is Flacco....Aim for the eyebrows bill!).

3. He takes out his lifesize Ben Roethlisberger collectible doll ($4200) complete with mouth and full "to scale" man parts. Undresses the doll out of its uniform, both performs and recieves Fellatio. Then returns the doll to the closet shrine he has assembled complete with locks of Ben's hair and toe nail clippings Bill was lucky enough to snatch up on ebay during a vicious 3 day bidding war with other casual Steelers fans.

4. He then puts on his head to toe Steelers Onesie complete with easy access flaps in the front and back, official steelers helmet worn in game by Big Ben ($1200) and curls up next to Kerri for the evening.

Don't be fooled by his nightly sexual encounters with the Big Ben doll however. He didn't earn the title "Man's man" from Jamie easily. He had to grill up hundreds and hundreds of lbs of assorted meats and drink hundreds of gallons of straight grain alchol to earn such a pretiguious title. But he has not only earned it but maintained it for years with no signs of slowing.

We salute you William / Bill Strouse and look forward to many more years of fantasy battles. Just try not to knock too many people unconcious with the python. Go Steelers.

 George Fuchs aka The Penguin aka The Ladies man aka George Fucks

George can be quiet at times. But when provoked he has a tenacious side as well. I have interviewed many ladies coast to coast who have felt the wrath of George Fucks and know how dominate he can be when he gets the juices flowing (picture it.........ok stop now). His bald head makes him more aerodynamic than any other male on the planet, limiting wind resistance as he plunges into you. Anyways enough about The Penguin's mating habits, let's talk football.

The 2010 champ is a champion of the highest order. Some say it is again his low wind resistence that lifted him to the hall of fantasy champs, others say it is his almost uncomfortably in depth knowledge of the players. He know's every players college attended, year drafted, favorite cereal, and the location of every mole on their body. He has been indicted several times in various states for his methods of gathering the above information, but never convicted.

He is a force to be reckoned with clearly both in the bedroom and in the fantasy world. Challenge him and be ready for the most aerodynamic human being on the planet coming at you.

PS

He is caught on camera very rarely. I was able to find only two possible photos that match the above description of this man.

He is either the seductive adonis in photo 1. Or this man in the blue shorts here in pic 2 clearly trying to coherce people on this boardwalk into paying him $5 in return for fellatio.

 Katie Lemieux aka The Woman aka The Girl who makes the men cry 

There's only two things you need to know right away about Miss Lemieux, she likes penis straws and huge inflatable penises present at every meal. That's it. I could end this bio right now and anyone reading this would clearly have an accurate depiction of this fantasy warrior princess. But let's elaborate just a bit...

Do not be fooled by the fact that she sits down when peeing (most of the time, public restrooms perhaps she hovers). That doesn't stop her from handing out beating after beating in the fantasy world. Her motto "Faulk You". They say "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". Well in these parts of the country they say "hell hath no fury like Katie Lemiuex's fantasy prowess". I'm not kidding people say that. Often it is followed by the person they are speaking to saying "what the hell are you talking about?". But it is said nonetheless!

So go ahead and challenge the warrior fantasy princess. Just be sure you bring plenty of penis straws and giant inflatable dongs with you because that is what she requires from every person she defeats.

 Matt Boucher aka The Daddy

Just take a moment and look at the face to the left. What comes to mind when you see that face? Crazy? Silly? Scary? Lock the women and children away immediately?... Sure all those things. But there is a lot behind those crazy eyes that make this person The Daddy.

There is one story in particular that The commish likes to tell which basically sums up the experience of knowing The Daddy. It was a cold winter night during their middler, junior, or whatever nonsense thing NU calls their kids these days. It was cold outside but inside 650 Columbus a party was heating up. The drinks wear flowing, the music blaring, and general debauchery was unfolding. The commish partied with the best of them but retired for the evening as the party wore down. He went to sleep peacfully. However little did he know a disturbing event was about to occur in just a few hours.

He awoke to find The Daddy unloading a fresh stream of urine into his bureau drawer. Now most people would be alarmed by this and perhaps put off. But I ask you, after seeing that face to the left would you really be surprised? The commish was not, laid back down, and proceeded to drift back to sleep as Boucher shook the last few drops off into the Bureau.

Some say he cleaned up the next day, others say he did not. But that is not what's important here. What is important is that we all have seen what The Daddy is capable of. That leaves just one question, Is this someone you would want to mess with on the fantasy battlefield. I think not. Good day.



 Bobby Mahtani aka Muhat MaGhandi aka The Pheasant

Our Indian friend is not only a direct descendant of Ghandi, but he's a hell of a fantasy baller as well. He is a master of the indian book the Kama Sutra and he knows 427 ways to "stick in it you" on the battlefield. He is no stranger to trash talk either. He enjoys lambasting opponents with hurtful rhetoric while he inserts into them using anyone of his mastered 427 sexual positions. Many have been left with nothing but tears soaked sheets and an appointment with the gynocologist after encountering the pheasant in the wild.

Nevertheless we enjoy competing against Mr Muhat Mughandi yearly and look forward to many more years going up against the Indian Phesant.

He is another rarely photoed person. We cannot be sure but he is either the winged creature in photo 1 or the angry, muhat maghandi creature with Mowgli in picture 2. Decide for yourselves.

 Jamie Shaevel aka Big Game James aka Jaime

When the game isn't dunking on 4 foot high hoops in Santa Monica with his lovely bride to be. He can be found grinding out win after win in poker rooms nationwide. He has never met a hand he didn't like and will impregnate you at the poker table if you decide to sit down. Serioulsy he will. He has 497 pending child support cases all pending from males and females who have tried to take a pot off of Big Game.

Nevertheless we are not here to discuss this man's impressive poker record. We are here to discuss his fantasy record. Now he is not a horrible fantasy player. But let it be known we are speaking about the gentleman who took a kicker in round 6 one year. I'll pause to let that sink in..................

Now if you have picked yourself up off the ground from laughing so hard and dusted yourself off, let me just say that that one blunder doesn't make this man a pushover. No no no. While he may not impregnate you in the fantasy world like the poker world. You will certainly walk funny for a week after crossing paths with this fantasy titan. There are 3 things you shouldn't do in life:

1. Sit at a poker table with Big Game.

2. Set up a 4 foot high basket ball hoop and challenge him to 1 on 1.

3. Go up against him in fantasy.

In scenario one he impregnates you, scenario two, you get a face full of Big Game balls as he throws it down time after time on your sorry ass, and in scenario 3 you walk funny for a week after taking a beating from the long dick of his fantasy team during that given week.

Ladies and gents, The Big Game, Jamie Shaevel.